By Laurel A. Falvo

What is friendship? Most definitions of a “friend” focus on the recipient of affection and assistance. In other words, we tend to define our friends by what they do for us, or how they make us feel. Is our tendency to view friendship in this manner consistent with our goal to promote social understanding?

Awhile back, my sixth-grade son wrote the following for a school project (names have been changed):

“Friendship means a lot to me in so many different ways. In order to be a good friend, you should encourage others, and find out what interests they have. Spending time with your friend is also a good thing to do. I have become a good friend with Kevin. We have a lot of the same interests. Kayla is also very nice. She seems to be a great encourager, and I admire her for that. A good friend seems to look at someone on the inside, instead of the out.”

My son has many friends in middle school. Yet his definition of friendship does not focus only on how friends make him feel or what they do for him. Instead, he looks at how he can BE a friend to others!

Often, parents and educators are concerned about whether individuals with ASD “have friends.” Those with the diagnosis are also eager to have someone be a friend to them. Perhaps we’re missing the greatest opportunity in the world to promote social understanding! I wonder if we would teach our kids to BE a friend, rather than “getting" or "making” friends, if the world of friendship would prove to be more open to their attempts.

The truth is, we have no control over other people’s actions, responses, or reactions. When we make attempts at friendship, we do not know how they will be received. The only thing we have control over is our own actions, responses, and reactions.

What then makes a good friend? Our list may include attributes such as honesty, affection, helpfulness, a willingness (and ability) to listen and compromise, shared interests, enjoyment of time spent together, etc. To encourage friendships, let’s try to teach our children how to exhibit these traits, rather than simply looking for them in others. We may find that it’s contagious!

If you're working with young children, you may be helped in this area by the book, "Share and Take Turns" by Cheri Meiners, or “My Friend With Autism” by Beverly Bishop. If you're interested in learning more about the general topic of friendship in children, consider the book "The Friendship Factor" by Kenneth Rubin. Other resources which can provide additional information about autism and/or  friendship include those by Michelle Garcia Winner (her “Worksheets” book is great for teaching social thinking skills to groups of children and young people), Tony Attwood, Teresa Bolick, Brenda Smith Myles, and Yoko Yoshida. All of these resources (and many more) can be purchased at www.thegraycenter.org.

I'd like to close with two fitting quotes:

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend" (Abraham Lincoln)

Best wishes as you work on modeling and teaching what it means to BE a friend!

(c) Copyright 2007-2009 Laurel A. Falvo