By Laurel A. Falvo

My husband and I are proactive parents! Although our children sometimes complain, they would tell you that they do not dislike us for it; in fact, during moments of honest reflection, they would likely tell you that it has earned us their respect.

What is a proactive parent?

A proactive parent wants what’s best for her children, but recognizes that sometimes they have to earn it, go without it, or lose it before they also value it.

A proactive parent allows his children to sometimes falter, fail, and fall, knowing that failure will teach them more about succeeding than his constant rescues ever could.

A proactive parent clearly spells out reasonable but high expectations, and holds firm (without giving in or back-tracking) until her children achieve them. Her children know that their own good choices generally lead to good consequences, and their bad choices often lead to unpleasant consequences, because she consistently allows them to experience this. Although they like to blame their proactive parent for the consequences that they dislike (and all too infrequently thank her for the good ones), they eventually learn that they can receive more frequent rewards by making more good choices—and they learn to take responsibility for their bad choices.

A proactive parent is gentle but firm, flexible yet consistent, empathetic but unwavering. He recognizes and respects where his rights and responsibilities end and where his children’s begin…and through his expectations and responses, teaches his children to do the same.

A proactive parent is willing to forgo present thanks and pleasure for future rewards. She recognizes that today’s trials lead to tomorrow’s triumphs, both for herself and her children.

A proactive parent knows that his children’s verbal, emotional, and physical resistance to his “no” will eventually go away when they’re ready to move on to the next request. And then he will feel stronger for holding firm, and his children, like steel refined by fire, will also be stronger.

Proactive parents know that neither they nor their children are perfect, and while their standards are high, through unconditional love and acceptance, they create a physically and emotionally safe environment in which their children can experience both failure and success.

They may sometimes doubt their effectiveness as parents, feel guilty for being “tough” on their children, dislike the children’s sometimes hurtful responses, feel isolated and alone, and grow weary from adhering to high standards. Yet they believe that “tough love,” although it isn’t always “warm and fuzzy love,” builds character and enables people to interact more effectively with others.

Thankfully, most proactive parents catch glimpses of greatness as they go about the work of parenting. Just as she might enjoy a gleaming floor after spending hours on her hands and knees scrubbing and polishing, or catching her reflection in a window that she has worked hard to clean, a proactive parent begins to see that her efforts are reaping rewards. As his children exhibit honesty, kindness, respect, responsibility, integrity, good work ethics, forgiveness, and flexibility, he sees that they, too, are on their way toward being proactive parents —or teachers, therapists, and friends--who hold themselves and others accountable while also being kind and supportive.

Are you a “proactive parent?” Do you wish you could be? I think we need to be more deliberate in supporting parents, teachers, counselors, and others in their work of promoting social effectiveness through the types of expectations and natural consequences that I detailed in this article. In fact, I am not a proactive parent alone! My husband is a huge support as he patiently provides love, encouragement, and instruction to our children and to me. We work with our children’s teachers to ensure that we all have similar expectations both at home and at school, as we teach responsibility and hold our children accountable. Grandparents and other family members, friends, and neighbors also help in the important task of raising our kids to be kind, responsible, and productive individuals. This type of teamwork is what is intended by the common saying, “It takes a village!”

Kids provide daily opportunities for us to learn to be proactive parents, including throwing a tantrum if they don’t get what they want, refusing to do their chores, asking for more money (after wasting their own), making hurtful comments,  and stressing our resolve through whining, asking incessantly, sulking, or making threats. Children around the world provide these fabulous learning opportunities for the people tasked with caring for and instructing them. The question is, what will they learn from it? What can we do to equip them with the necessary skills for being effective participants in their relationships, whether it’s with us, or with others?

© 2009 Laurel Falvo, CFLE